SCARY CLOWN

I have made beautiful new film. This is the one to prove all the haters wrong or right? Either way I come out on top... of your mother. No really.

WORSHIP THE KING!

With all this talk about Royal wedding I thought I would take this time to remind all you common folks that dear old Uncle Coffins is still the KING OF HORROR! Bow down and worship me like the simple minded fools you are! I laugh at your love. If only Kate Middleton had met me first. She would be my Queen of horror, no really!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY RONDO !

Now that's a face only my mother could love. No really, they had sexual relations on set of THE BRUTE MAN. Thankfully he is not my father. Because I am so beautiful it would be impossible to be related... right? How do I arrange DNA test with dead monster?

FRANKIE IS READY FOR AARP !

How can it be? Tim Curry is 65 years old? She is not so pretty anymore.

YOUNG COFFINS

Many people ask me if show business was in my blood. I say no, but pretending to entertain audience to get close to hot pussy was. Here I am in 1969 putting moves on one large kitty cat. Her hand is on my bum. No really.

WHO DO I SUE?

This is an outrage. I have fired my agent and hired a lawyer. I was not hired for Halloween 3! I was hired for Halloweenie 3! This is an adult art film where your Uncle Coffins must have sexual relations with midget woman. No really. Who do I sue?
.

BIG MOVIE NEWS !

I have just signed my deal to come back in HALLOWEEN 3! I have suggested to producers many titles : H3: The Return of Coffins, Halloween 3: The Revenge of Uncle Coffins and so on. I will have more exciting news later today! Finally I can eat again.