The Official Scary CLown trailer!

Yeah, Yeah, I know, I know the summer is almost over-you don’t need to tell me. Tell those blood-sucking, money-grubbing producers in charge.

I decide to take charge and promote by borrowing un-used trailer from editing sweet-Let me tell you-there’s nothing sweet about those editors, the room smelled like a goat pen from the old country.

Okay do you want to watch little boys on brooms, grown men in tights and over-wrought robot monsters this summer? Or do you want to see the most passionate film filled with beautiful women and the lust for life in the spotlight.? You decide.

It’s time to make yourselves heard my puppets of destruction.

SCARY CLOWN RIDES AGAIN

SCARY CLOWN = CHICK FLICK?!



When I say to you, prospective audience, this, the most anticipated MASTERPEICE is everything to every demo-you must believe. You need laughs, SCARY CLOWN gots it in spades. But if you need a date nite with your old lady-SCARY CLOWN delivers the Romance AND Pathos with a CRYBABY named RENEE, that will break your heart and your HEUVOS! Fellas, “she’s got the squeezebox that makes the grown man cry!” I serious! After a session with RENEE my privates looked like a bowl of CALIMARI TAR TAR! No really!

Please enjoy a dish of estrogen with your gal in this, the EXCLUSIVE #6 courtesy of Waaa, Waaa, Waaa What’s Her Name?…I joking…no I serious, I already forgot her name again…enjoy. Prego.

MORE SCARY CLOWN!

It’s inevitable that I must include my Mommy in this, “The most-anticipated, International, Horror-Genre, Bio-Pic of the 2011 Summer: SCARY CLOWN". Hey dirty ol’ Baby Boomers, I must capitalize on your 401K money and in return you can capitalize on my Mommy! Who am I kidding, dirty ol’ anybody…she practically had relations with Mr. Rob Zombie’s whole crew running the HELLBILLY DELUXE 2009 TOUR in which I most memorably hosted in New York City).

Hey naughty crew, I hope all your genital regions are intact and functioning properly again-I sorry. I make mistake to bring her-makes sense, I was born a mistake!

No Really!

YOUNG COFFINS

Here is picture of Young Coffins with my grand parents. We live in roadside diner by the power plant so every meal was blue plate special. No really, I have very tough life.

MEET THE JUDAS SISTERS / SCARY CLOWN EXCLUSIVE #4

YOU’VE HEARD OF THE JONAS BROTHERS-PLEASE MEET THE JUDAS SISTERS, BETTER KNOWN AS THE POUBELLE TWINS WHO STICK THEIR SHARP TOUNGES (OR ELBOWS OR KNEES) IN MY BACK EVERY CHANCE THEY GET. THAT’S OKAY, I LIKE THE ROUGH HOUSE-I TAKE IT. THEIR VERY UNGRATEFUL BANTER IS DEMONSTRATED BEAUTIFULLY IN THE “MOST ANTICIPATED BIO-PIC THIS SUMMER”: SCARY CLOWN, WHICH SHOWS THE COFFINS, WARTS AND ALL. I NO AFRAID. YOU CANNOT HAVE TITLE LIKE SCARY CLOWN AND BE AFRAID. HEY I LIVED WITH THOSE TWO PORCELIN PITBULLS TOGETHER IN A STUDIO FLAT DURING THEIR MONTHLY CURSE- TIMES TWO! AND SURVIVED! NO REALLY!

The True "most interesting man in the world"-No Really!

FELIZ CINCO DE MAYO!

HOLD THE MAYO! I MEAN HOLD THE TWINS! THOSE BEING MY FAVORITE FRENCH GALS BIBI Y FIFI LAS POUBELLE TWINS! YOU BELIEVE I COULDN’T FIND SOME MEXICAN CHICAS FOR THIS PHOTO IN LOS ANGELES? NO REALLY! I MEAN; NO REALMENTE?! I DID CONSIDER USING MY EX-WIFE BUT SHE HAS A MUSTACHE, BEARD AND BROW THICKER THAN ME AND THAT’S NOT CONSIDERED SEXY IN ALL THE FOREIGN MARKETS!

SPEAKING OF MARKETS, THIS PHOTO IS ACTUALLY A STILL FROM THE MOST-ANTICIPATED, INTERNATIONAL, HORROR-GENRE BIO-PIC; SCARY CLOWN OR SCARY PAYASO FOR YOU LATINOS EN EL MERCADO ESPANOL!

NOW REMEMBER AMIGOS, NO DRINKING AND DRIVING TODAY, HOWEVER TONITE I PLAN ON DRINKING AND DRIVING THE TWINS HOME BUT THERE’S NO MOTORCAR INVOLVED! NO REALMENTE!

SCARY CLOWN

I have made beautiful new film. This is the one to prove all the haters wrong or right? Either way I come out on top... of your mother. No really.

WORSHIP THE KING!

With all this talk about Royal wedding I thought I would take this time to remind all you common folks that dear old Uncle Coffins is still the KING OF HORROR! Bow down and worship me like the simple minded fools you are! I laugh at your love. If only Kate Middleton had met me first. She would be my Queen of horror, no really!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY RONDO !

Now that's a face only my mother could love. No really, they had sexual relations on set of THE BRUTE MAN. Thankfully he is not my father. Because I am so beautiful it would be impossible to be related... right? How do I arrange DNA test with dead monster?

FRANKIE IS READY FOR AARP !

How can it be? Tim Curry is 65 years old? She is not so pretty anymore.

YOUNG COFFINS

Many people ask me if show business was in my blood. I say no, but pretending to entertain audience to get close to hot pussy was. Here I am in 1969 putting moves on one large kitty cat. Her hand is on my bum. No really.

WHO DO I SUE?

This is an outrage. I have fired my agent and hired a lawyer. I was not hired for Halloween 3! I was hired for Halloweenie 3! This is an adult art film where your Uncle Coffins must have sexual relations with midget woman. No really. Who do I sue?
.

BIG MOVIE NEWS !

I have just signed my deal to come back in HALLOWEEN 3! I have suggested to producers many titles : H3: The Return of Coffins, Halloween 3: The Revenge of Uncle Coffins and so on. I will have more exciting news later today! Finally I can eat again.

PRIME TIME, BABY!

YEAH, YEAH ONE OF MY PUPPETS POSTED THIS PIECE FROM REALITY NEWS SHOW. HEY I DON’T MIND THAT KIND OF EXPOSURE-IT’S SHOW BIZ... NOT FEEL GOOD ABOUT LIFE BIZ. YOU NEED THICK SKIN TO BE STAR AND THIS SHOW PROVES I HAVE! NO REALLY! WHAT I DO MIND IS NOT BEING MENTIONED BY NAME! IF I GET BRAIN DAMAGE I WANT STAR BILLING! AND THEY DID NOT MENTION THE FACT I WAS RESEARCHING FOR ROLE OF MICHAEL MYERS IN HALLOWEEN 2! AS YOU SEE I CAN TAKE A LICKIN’ AND KEEP TICKIN’ JUST ASK THE POUBELLE TWINS grrrrrrr. I CALL MY PRIVATES THE TIME BOMB... GET IT?

IN THE END I DIDN’T GET THE PART BECAUSE I WOULDN’T SLEEP WITH THAT HORSE-FACED LADY PRODUCER WITH WEIRD FOOT FOR THE ROLE….WHO AM I KIDDING? I’D LET THEM FILM IT, BUT I REQUEST IT MUST BE IN 3D IMAX OR NO DEAL….HEY NOW THERE’S AN IDEA?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DADDY !

This time I know I have found my Daddy. We are practically twins. The bedroom eyes, the come sit on my face and spin grin... I feel like I am looking in mirror. So I say to you my Daddy, "Why do you not send chid support check?" I am hungry, no really. You are 81 please let go of some of those dollars.

RIFF RAFF TURNS 69!

Mr. Riff Raff is getting old, but not as old as my mother. If he is looking for a cougar he should head on down to Ladies Room at bus station and ask for Easy. She could do Time Warp with pelvic thrust. No really.


Hey how did this guy get statue in town square? I guess I need to wear fishnets to get much respect.

WHAT THE FUCK !?

Kashmir tells me there is a horror host convention this weekend. I say," this is not possible because I have not received invitation". But then I see advertisement and my eyes do not understand. How could my puppets gather and not have their hero to guide them? Maybe they are afraid I steal the show again. No really, I ran off with all the money last time. I have children to feed. Below I have put proof of this event. Who are these people?


I think I saw this clown in crowd at Phantom Jam taking notes and stealing my act.


Is this man a Dracula? He looks like Mr. Doblonski the man at meat counter who cuts my swiss cheese slices.


Now we have cowboys in the horror game? Wasn't he in Casino? Yeah, Joe Pesci smacked him with telephone.


Son of old hippie maybe.


Okay now we are talking. Talking about something happening in my trousers. This one can host my horror anytime. No really.



I do not care to go to this Horrorhound weekend because I stay home and play dirty Frankenstein with these two ladies I still have locked in basement from Phantom Jam 2009.

HMMMMMMMMMMM?

This scene from classic big monkey movie reminds me of a blind date I have with female parole officer.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GREAT MAN !

Today we celebrate life of greatest man in the world Russ Meyer. He is the man who invented big boobies.

I don't understand why he is with this chick. She is fat and wears glasses. Although I do think under that sweater are huge knockers.

Very nice torpedoes. Maybe we drop those on Libya.

How can she shave? She can't see down there since 2nd grade. No really.

Time to direct the scene. Don't get you melons caught in the clapper.

STUFF TO BUY!

Here is beautiful shirt to now be purchased at Halloween Town. I need you my loyal puppets to buy this shirt. I need money to pay for Mommy's boobie job. Left nipple has begun to sag. She must look her best to bring home the bacon. Don't ask, just give me your money.

IS THAT YOU DADDY?

Is that my Daddy? Has Uncle Coffins long lost dead-beat daddy finally returned to inflict more pain? No, it is Hollywood movie star Harry Dean Stanton! I ran into Mr. Stanton at Crazy Girls just as club was closing. I was about to seal the deal with a couple fine dancing ladies when nature called and I had to drain my snake, by snake I mean my male organ, no really. Anyway when I returned Mr. Hollywood had stolen both my girls.
Come to think of it I have never met my Papa. I now tell world that Harry is my Daddy. He could be.

I am Daddy's favorite little mistake. My mother was whore so It could be the case. Can you see it in his eyes?

Soon after this photo was taken police took me away. Now I must stay fifty yards away from new Daddy.

NOW THAT'S A MOVIE!

WHAT THE WHAT?

Oh how my fans love me. They worship my every motion and try to be like their Uncle Coffins. This is no possible I am genius. I am lightning in a bottle. No really. Now watch fans try for my greatness.

I AM BACK!

I have returned after short stay in maximum security facility. I have very smooth lawyer from old country he slide judge an extra goat and I walk. Although now I must stay 100 yards from Tito Jackson at all times.

COFFIN'S HORROR BIRTHDAY SHOUT OUT!

Mr. Lon Chaney Jr. was born today way back in 1906. I think my Mommy might have provided Mr. Chaney with some sexual healing during shooting of FRANKENSTEIN MEETS THE WOLF MAN, but Mommy's memory is not so good. She might have just humped neighbor's dog. No really.

I ATE BIG APPLE!

LET'S GET GOTH

Fuck the Super Bowl let's be sad old goths tonight.

THE DAY THE MUSIC DIED

Two years ago today one of the greatest rock n roll monsters passed away. The great Lux Interior from the amazing CRAMPS was only 62 when he left this world. This is one of the biggest blows to rock music in long, long time. I guess it is fitting that he died on Alice Cooper's birthday.

Watch these videos and you see that THE CRAMPS just might have been the coolest fucking band of all time, no really.

HORROR BIRTHDAY SHOUT OUT !

Zombie killer Duane Jones was born today. I could use his services.

Even though I am very sad about situation I still send a shout out.

A ROB ZOMBIE FILM SCAM!

I am winner of poll! Who counted these votes? It is not possible for this DAVID NEWMAN to be more popular than me! DR. WOLFENSTEIN? He is not clever enough to shovel bat poop! This is major outrage! My lawyer are working on this now. No really.

UNCLE COFFINS SEXY LADY OF THE DAY !

Hello Miss P. J. Soles, I love the way you tease me with your bad girl next door attitude. But I know you are not girl next door. I know because I look in her window and she is fat and gross and has hairy legs like Mo'nique. I just threw up. No really.
>
You can rock and roll my high school any day.

Whoops, I think your nighty might be slipping... so naughty.

Oh no, she fall off. Oh well, I stare at you anyway.

She looks like she could use a beer. Hey Bob, get this bitch a beer!

What is happening? This is not proper way to use telephone. This would not happen with cordless.

Time to rock puppets!

COFFIN"S SCREAMING SATURDAY!

THE POLL IS CLOSED.

Okay now I know what you like about American woman. Big boobies come in at number one, then firm ass at two with a hairy private in the three. I see no one cares about long tongue on woman, sorry to you Gene Simmons. She's very ugly and wears too much make-up anyway. I kid, no really.

In this picture I find girl who have all winning qualities. A good brain and warm heart, no I kid again. I think you can see her two main qualities drooping down on her left and right. Anyway the poll is closed, but my poll is now open. So lady in picture call me, no really.



I think I have that couch. No really I bought at yard sale. I wonder if it is same couch? I go smell couch now to see.

HURRAH FOR HOLLYWOOD!

This film documents one of my most rewarding and fulfilling nights in my career, that I ever blacked out during-no really! It's like I'm experiencing the Halloween II premiere for the 1st time when I see : my fans, the red carpet, the stars (including the scrumptious Sheri moon zombie Grrrrrrrr) and let's not forget those naughty twincesses on each of my knees back at the hotel...about to crack me like a wishbone! I no joke! They did however graciously leave me with Orchidalgia-(you can google that term fellas).

Thank you Mr Robert Zombie for my 2nd act. And also a big thanks to the sexy senoritas in housekeeping at the Roosevelt who aided in my recovery- I'd still be there today if it wasn't for that pesky hotel dick-No really!

COFFIN'S HORROR BIRTHDAY SHOUT OUTS!

The amazing JACK HILL was born on this day in 1933. Jack has directed some of Uncle Coffin's favorite films starring Pam Grier huge boobies. He is genius! No really!

LET'S GET RIPPED!

I get tears in my eyes every time I hear my childhood idol sing such beautiful song. He make all the ladies scream. No really.

UNCLE COFFINS SEXY LADIES OF THE DAY !

Here are two of my favorite puppets The Poubelle Twins. They go by the names of Bibi and Fifi but I just call them "Yes Mommy". They get me in many strong holds in my tight places. Ouch! No really.


Watch them in action. It is like Russian porno film only less violent. I kid. No really I kid.

I AM STAR in COMIC BOOK

LOOK AT ME I AM BEAUTIFUL. This is how artist see me for my comic book debut. I will now be featured in upcoming issue of WHATEVER HAPPENED TO BARON VON SHOCK? I don't know who he is and I don't care. This is about me. No really I am going to be comic book superstar.

UNCLE COFFINS SEXY LADY OF THE DAY

I have many request to feature this next young lady. I myself am quite conflicted by this one since she looks so much like Gretchen Coffins my Mother from old country. I am your humble servant and want to please so enjoy Lily Munster.



Kashmir told me this is also Miss Lily. If so I take it all back about Mother Coffins. I very much would like to play with these funbags if Mr. Herman gives oaky. No really.